05/16/19

Five days have passed and I haven’t written a thing. I can’t say that I’ve been that busy. Mostly I have been uninspired. The times, the two since being here in Kuala Lumpur, that I have written anything I find myself daydreaming about something unrelated mid-sentence, mid-paragraph, mid-journal…

Well, anyway, I’ve settled into a sort of routine here, and while I don’t love working at the hostel, I am able to find some joy in it. My co-workers are great, and the people staying here are friendly and likeable. Unfortunately it’s a volunteer position, and while it is a new work experience, new life experience, and a new skill which I can say I’ve learned, it is still only a work exchange. I am stuck here, still without a purpose. Right? So like the purpose of me being here is mainly to save money on accomodation while traveling, but because these positions are usually a one month minimum and because I’ve booked a flight back to Vietnam, despite wanting to see more of Malaysia, I won’t have the opportunity (unless of course I return), and of course this is all my doing because I don’t have to fly back to Vietnam. That Huyen has really put me in a pickle. Bloody women and relationships. The beautiful part of being single is the freedom to go anywhere and do anything one wants without the need to be concerned about the feelings of others (or the change in one’s own feelings). That sentence makes it sound as though I’m only going back to Vietnam for her feelings which isn’t true entirely. I also want to see her again, and see more of the country of Vietnam, but if we didn’t have plans to vacation in Da Lat I would not have just booked a flight a moment ago. I would perhaps travel elsewhere in Malaysia, or go to Indonesia, or India. Well!… I will have the freedom to do some of these things after my trip through Vietnam.

I’ve gone and looked at cryptocurrency charts for a second and thus distracted myself and I don’t know what I am writing about any longer so I guess this is the end. Sometimes I just want to wander off into the desert alone and disappear from society, from everywhere, everything. I’m so angry with myself right now for having got into this relationship. Of course this always happens with my feelings—the slightest glancing touch of negativity results in a cascade of frustration and anger at having allowed for this trip to go this way. I think what I need is some sort of spiritual retreat. I need to step away from the world for a while and recollect myself. This trip was supposed to do that, but having met this girl I feel I’ve been sucked into the world even further. Completely the opposite of my intentions. I’m not happy. I’m not enjoying this trip right now, and so my emotions are constantly oscillating between highs and lows. I’ve had it.

[bit later]
I left the cafe to take a walk, clear my head, and to get some lunch. I am now feeling fine. I work in two hours, but until then I will write a bit and edit some things.

Kuala Lumpur is an interesting city. You can pay as much or as little as you want for food, provided you know where to go for the cheapest stuff. My meals are usually no more than $2-$2.50; I spend more on coffee. My behavior has become that of a person who lives and works here, rather than as a tourst, which, in reality, is what I am doing. All that is missing from my routine is my usual running or cycling, though I’ve not cycled since being in the U.S. I do want to get out of KL to visit a few natural areas for hiking in the coming days.